My Blog

In the Blink of an Eye

Sarah Grace — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:45:02 +0000

Several weeks ago I had my boss come and pick up some stuff that I was using since I stayed and worked late and everyone else had already left. That night my boss Roby looked at me and asked me if I would do him a favor and pray for a close friend of his (the public works officer in our community). I said, “yea sure whats going on if I may ask?” He began to explain how his friend has been hospitalized after loosing all since of balance, falling over, and loosing consciousness. He then told me that the reason why some of this happened was because his colon was dead so he had to have a colonoscopy bag put in. Not only this but the doctor found three tumors in his heart that were non-operable.

I could hear the tension and concern in his voice. He looked up at me and while wiping the smallest tear from his eye told him that the doctors gave him a few weeks to a matter of days to live.

Today when I got out of my Biology Lab class I went up to one of the trucks to see if they got one of the work requests for one of the dorm rooms. We joked around about work for a few minutes and then one of the guys looked at me and asked if I knew of Charlie and what was going on with him. I said yes that our boss had told me about two or three weeks ago. I told him that I was thinking of Charlie last night and that I have been meaning to ask how he was. Eddie looked at me and said, “He died last night at 8:05″. I thought holy crap that is about the time I thought of him and looked at my watch.

Just then I remembered how precious life really is. Charlie was perfectly healthy, working and then everything fell apart. It all happened in just the blink of an eye. As I sit here in the college student center I think that, that could happen to anyone. I am in shock to think that I forgot how precious life is because I had helped in a kids cancer clinic for two years.

I know that the next several days will be very crazy since the memorial service will be held here on campus in the chapel. There is a lot to do to prepare the grounds to make is beautiful for the family. All of the guys from work knew him and are planning on going to the service. We all knew that this day was coming but we did not know when.

If you are reading this, Please be praying for the his family.

Season’s

Sarah Grace — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:16:42 +0000

Over the past several months I have seen and made many changes. If you were to ask me a year ago if change was I good I would have probably said, “no”. Well now my answer is yes. Let me explain, after loosing friends left and right I started to think that change was the worst. Now I can see how change is good for me.

This past Tuesday was the three year anniversary of when my grandfather went home to heaven. The past few years on this day I was a wreck. Over the summer I really felt like I was cut off from all of my friends from school so I was forced to deal with things on my own since everyone at home was working too. I know that having that change where I did not have people to go to for support really did help me. This year I was able to keep my head high. Don’t get me wrong I was sad and deeply missed him on that day but I did not show the sadness like what I typically would have.

Another change that I have changed is that I am now working on the maintenance team here at college. The biggest part of this is that I am only women to have ever done this here. It has been a great change for everyone. My boss is very grateful for my hard work. He is also glad that he now has someone who lives on campus for when things come up and it is something that I can handle. It was great yesterday when I worked for another hour after all of the guys left, since they left I called up my boss on his cell phone and he came and got the leaf blower and the gas.

As I was taking one of the college vans into town today to get ready for Gnewt Gingrich to come and speak this weekend, I saw this one tree. It was the only one in this spot that is perfectly yellow. I love being up here in the fall because I get to see all of the leaves changing colors. I am reminded that even though the leaves are going to soon die and fall to the ground, they will be back again next year.

Well I must get off to dinner and then to my study group tonight for a biology test tomorrow so have a great day.

A Turn in the Road

Sarah Grace — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:00:59 +0000

The past few days have been amazingly better. I have now been on the new medication for nearly a week now and man what a difference it has made. I am definitely not having the anxiety attacks like I was. They say that it will still be another week or two before I feel it truly work but WOW! I a getting to the point now where I can get them to stop before they take me down like what they were.

I have to admit that the hardest part of this whole thing has been having to really grasp it and not let it control me like it was. I have had an amazing friend that used to go to my school really help me through this holy struggle. He might be a couple hundreds miles away be he has still be there for me by just having someone to talk to when no one else was here for me. He has helped to distract me to get my mind off of school work and the current moment.

This year I do not have a car with me at school so that has been hard. I have not been able to just grab the keys and come and go as I so do please. God has really provided me with the means of transportation on this one. He has provided another two friends that will help me to get things and my job has now also made it possible. The school unknowingly helped me by asking me if I would like to take care of the college vans when they get back from things. I get to take them in to town to clean them inside and out, fill them with gas and the best part of all I just get to get off campus. Do not get me wrong, I love the campus, but I need to feel like I am not locked up here. I need to feel like I can get away when I need to.

I look back at this week and I can not believe all that has gone on. I am blown away at how this week has ended up. I am blown away how God has really been there for me even when I did no think that He was. I see how he has provided me with the job, and with the friends that have really been around this past week to hang out with me and study.

After working in the hospital in areas like the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit and in the kids Cancer Clinic. I often wandered how people could come out of it know that God was with them the hole time. I know that we are talking about two totally different situations but I am glad that I can see how God has been here for me. Even though I felt like my work and life was falling apart he was still there for me. This past week when I opened up my Bible to the book of Psalms (in the Old Testament). I came across two versus that really helped me out. The first one is Pslams 4:1 NIV, “Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me reliefe from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer”. I look back at this and I realize that He really did hear my call for help. I also came across Psalms 4:8 NIV, “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety”. After year of having nightmares and not being able to sleep all the way through the night, I am finally doing it.

Right now I am just takeing one day at a time. I do find my self at times in a place where I might loose it but I just take a few deep breaths and get through it. If I feel like

High Anxiety

Sarah Grace — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 00:00:46 +0000

I have never had such high anxiety in my life. Let me explain. If you remember from my last blog I had a rough night last week. Well every night after that was rough. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I cry for no reason at all every night. I do not want to leave my room during the day because I do not know if I will start to be filled with emotion again. After going to see the school councilor and being on the phone non-stop for several days, I finally have some medication to help to control my random mood swings. This whole thing has just torn me up. I become very drained from it all so I find my self unable to do any work at all. Since this has happened, I have spent my entire day studying and reading.

I am finally taking a break from my school work. I have finally been able to escape from everything since I am now drinking a nice cup of hot tea and I took a nice hot shower. The hardest part about this whole experience is that I feel all alone. All of my friends have been so busy with their own school work that I do not want to bring up this whole experience. This has been so hard because I want to be with friends but at the same time I do not. I have talked to my mom on the phone more this year than ever before.

At the same time I have been on the phone with a good friend of mine that I was in school with last year. I was there for him a lot when he was going through things, and now he has been there for me. He has been such a great friend. He gets my mind off of things so quickly. By the time I end up getting off the phone with him I find my self laughing.

Lost

Sarah Grace — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:05:44 +0000

Last night was the worst night that I have had in a very long time. For the first time in a long while I actually became homesick. I really do think that it is because my brother is not here this year like he was last year so my “security blanket” has been taken away. Do not get me wrong, school has been great, but I have a lot more work to do this semester. On top of school work I am on the maintenance team here at school. Since I am the only girl doing it I feel as though I almost have to prove my self to them.

At the same time with all of this going on I know that Chirst is really working on my heart. I am still not sure in what way however and that I think is the most frustrating part. At this point I just wish that my best friend at home could come up and spend sometime with me. With all of the work that I have had on my load, I feel like I never get to see any of my friends anymore. We all have crazy schedules right now and not a lot of free time. On top of that some of us work on the weekends since we are not in class so I don’t get to see them then either.Last night after a long day or work, studying and class, I just had to get out of here. I was already ready for bed so I got dressed threw on my Chacos and went on a run. When I stopped I just fell apart. I want to run so bad from everything but I can’t. My heart was so heavy and my eyes could no longer hold in the tears. I lost it. It was like the flood gates to the Hoover Dame opened up. I ended up calling my mom and talked with her for a little while.It was so good to hear her voice but I needed more than that. I need the feeling of just being held for once. As I was going to go back to my room I ran into a good friend. I was so glad that he was there. I just walked up the steps to the library and hugged him for a few. There were several other people around but at that point I no longer cared. I could no longer handle things on my own like I would rather do.

I have been feeling so lost lately. I thought that I knew what God wanted me to do with my life, but now I am having second thoughts. I pray every night that things will get clearer but I do not feel like he hears my prayers. I know that part of the problem is that I have so much love to give but no one really wants it. I pray that I will have patience with God and what he is doing in my life but it gets really hard. Sometimes I feel like I am in a movie where I am invisible where no body can see me or hear me, but I can see and hear them. I scream and cry but no body sees or hears me.

Heavenly Father,

Please be here with me. I pray Lord that you will give me clear guidance in my life. I am so glad that you are in my life. I pray Father that I will feel your presence and have a since of piece when I am at the end of my rope. I pray Father that I will continue to keep my eyes on you when I need you the most. Father you know how heavy my heart is. I pray that I will get better at just laying it all down at your feet and not hold on to it my self. Its in your name I pray.

Amen

Alone

Sarah Grace — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 18:39:06 +0000

It has been great to be back at school. At the same time it has been harder this year compared to last year. It has been harder this year mainly because my older brother is not here so my security net has been taken away. The other day I realized that I had a class in a building that my grandfather is responsible for. When I first realized this I was surprised. I was surprise because this building is a chapel. As I sat there in the first class I felt like I was not in this world but apart from this world. I felt as though no one else knew the pain that I felt at that exact time. I talked to my professor after class about my situation so she would know why I would look out of it or depressed in class.

She offered to put me in her acting class instead but I have decided that I will stick it out and stay in her class. I am glad that I have decided to do this. I feel like I need to. Today as I sat there in class, we each took our turn by getting up on the stage and telling everyone about our selves. As I sat their listening, or trying to listen, to the other I had massive flash backs of my childhood with my grandfather. It was so draining. As I leaned over and sat in the corner I just shut my eyes for a few minutes and it was like I was back in his arms again. I know that before he died he told us not to cry. Well I can not help it. I miss him so much. I am filled with emotion. My head is running around in circles just thinking about different things. As I sit here I think of when he would read stories to us and then do the different stories. I think of the times that we would play in the pool and I would swim laps with him. I think of the last weekend that we had together as we watched the Wake Forest and Clemson football game.
I grew up with only one set of grandparents because my dads parents treated us as if we didn’t even exist. My grandfather treated me like I was everything to him. I was closer to him then any other person in my life. I have a picture of him and I from our last weekend that I have by my bed. I love falling asleep looking at it.

I will never forget the nights that I spent with him in the hospital. The nurses would come in every couple of hours to check his vital signs. I had always prayed that he would no longer suffer. I feel like I took those days for granted because he is not here when I want and I need him the most. He understood me more than anyone else ever has. I know that he is proud of me but I still wish that he could be here with me. I wish that I could go down to the lake and walk around it with him. I wish that I could go with him to the camp that I help out at and walk around with him. I just wish that he could sit down next to me so that we could enjoy each others company. I wish that I hear his voice. The only way that I find comfort right now is by know that I will one day be with him in heaven.

Awakening

Sarah Grace — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:56:54 +0000

This summer I have really gone through some different things. The main thing is my relationship with Christ. As I lay here in bed, I am listening to a Cd that a good friend gave me. It is called “Enter the Worship Circle”. I look around my room and it is starting to feel like I no longer live here. The reason is because I am leaving to go back to school in two days. I almost feel like this is not my room any more.

If you have read any of my past blog’s then you know that I have had friends with cancer. Well this summer has been a rough one when it comes to cancer. It turns out that a friends mom from school is fighting it right now, a coworkers significant other is terminal and has 7 months to live, and all week I was waiting on the test results to see if the dad of four of the kids I baby sit for a lot has it or not. Well PRAISE GOD it was not lung cancer but scar tissue from namonia like we thought. Tonight I look back and think about my summer. I think of the ways that I have seen God at work in my own life and in others.

As a Christian I try and surround my self with other Christians so that I have their support when I need it most. One of these people is a good friend that I work with. She has been there for me this summer at work as I was dealing with some things when I knew that Christ was really working on my heart. One miss conception that many have with Christians is that they think that we are perfect or that we have to have all of the answers. Well its not true, in fact many times this summer I have really questioned God in what he is doing with my life and in other areas.

This summer I have been re-thinking what I want to do with my life.

Up’s and Down’s

Sarah Grace — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 04:19:10 +0000

This summer has definitely had its ups and downs. This past weekend was an up when I was able to go back up to school to see my good friends. Today was definitely one of the downs. When my brother got up and came down stairs, he told us that he had another friend from military school that had just committed suicide. He dealt with depression and PTSD for a while.

These are our soldiers. We need to make sure that they know that we are behind them all the way. Not only when they are at war fighting, but when they are at home too. We may not understand what they are going through, but we can support them and do for them whatever they need.

Personally, I think that there needs to be mandatory support groups for the soldiers when they are there and when they are home. The families and close friends of the soldiers need to be educated on how to do this.

This person was a US Marine. He had served his year in Iraq and then voluntarily served two more. It was just to much. He saw things there that no one should ever have to see. I am so sick of this war. I support the troops and their family 100%. One of my friends is married to a Marine.

It’s Harde

Sarah Grace — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:23:09 +0000

This summer has been different from all of the rest. For the first time I miss my friends. I just got done with my first year being away from school and now I am alone here. My other friends also work so it is hard for us to try and get together. I try and talk to each of them at least a few times a week, but some times it does not work out that way. It has been a stressful summer for a lot of us. I came home knowing that I had a job. The others have been stressed by not being able to find one. I think that it is funny how we are more stressed when we are out of school then in school.

The other day I found out some bad news from a co-worker. She told me that the guy that she has been dating for seven years had a high chance of having cancer. When she told me I felt like I was just kicked in the stomach. I had this feeling because I have seen people go through life with cancer. I have worked in a kids cancer clinic for a few years. During that time I saw several patients who were not able to fight it.

During this time I have questioned God a lot about why people suffer from cancer. I have asked people before but I only get the “Christian” answer. It is because of Sin. I can no longer accept this answer. We live in a world where people die of cancer every day. I would think that he would want us to be happy. Why do you make us suffer? I ask him at night when I get frustrated. The other night I was laying down in bed thinking since I couldn’t sleep. I figured that like always there is a reason for all of this. Is God telling me that I need to help people with cancer? Is he preparing me to deal with cancer my self or will a loved one have cancer? The really hard part right now is because my mom does not understand how my friends boyfriend having cancer can effect me. The fact is that it does because I do not understand how God can put people through things like this. However, one of my good friends at school understands me.

People have asked me what was wrong because of how distant I have been but they would not understand. I miss friends at school like crazy and I am frustrated. Right now I do not know that God wants me to do. For a while I thought that I did but now I am not so sure. I told a friend the other night that some times I wish that there was a big Neon arrow that pointed me where to go. Some times I wish that I could fast forward through parts of my life, but then whats the fun in that?

Summer and Friends

Sarah Grace — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:11:57 +0000

Well it has been a while since I last made a post. I am home now for the summer and I have been very busy. Working is getting done on the house so I have been doing things like re-painting furniture for the porch. I have aslo been working. I love staying busy as possible. It stinks this summer because I miss my friends from school very much. A few of us talk almost everyday on line and that is good. However, I miss having them with me. I miss their hugs. There is a facebook bumper sticker that says, “I hate that I miss you but I am glad that I have you to miss”. This is so true. I hate that I can not see them each day but I am glad that they are in my life. I think that one of the harder parts is going from living with them to being several hours from them. When I bored or couldn’t sleep at night I could always go across the hall and so one of my good friends. Now I can’t.